There’s one thing that Jewish mothers love more than nice, Jewish boys: nagging their kids.
Sometimes it feels as if they have intrinsic radar on our whereabouts, reminding us to bring a jacket even before we’ve left the house or to negotiate the price from the fruit vendor as we’re about pay.
It’s no wonder Jonah Hill got fat all over again — his Jewish mother was clearly pestering him to eat more challah.
Regardless if you’re 13 or 30, you will never be free from your mother ambushing you over the telephone to layer up, take a snack and above all, BE SAFE.
Marrying A Jew
As a minority, it’s important that Jews continue to procreate and make more Jews because there’s safety in numbers. Think about how the Hispanic culture has grown and now we’ll all be speaking Spanish by 2020 – same idea.
According to unsubstantiated claims from your Jewish mom, as long as there are Jews on this earth, there will be an Israel. Not to mention the fact that after the diaspora and Holocaust, we really need to build our membership.
You made a fatal mistake by letting an innocuous cough escape your mouth on a recent call to your mother, and now she won’t stop insisting that you buy vitamin C and “get it checked out.” The more you maintain that you’re fine, the more she will encourage you to go to the doctor. Don’t make any sudden movements or she’ll personally escort you all the way to the waiting room and scold you more for not carrying tissues in your purse.
It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing a dress, a onesie or a (Hashem forbid!) shmata — if your pipik is hanging out, your Jewish mom will call you out on it. Frigid out? Button up the jacket — all the way. Not frigid out? Button up the jacket – all the way. No tits (or shoulders, for that matter) in temple, bubala. Save the cleave for the Israeli Defense Forces charity ball.
Teaching Them Technology
Which is worse: instructing your mom on how to text message, or having her ask you a million follow-up questions about how to turn off caps lock afterwards? When she asks for a Kindle for her birthday, you get her books instead. #SorryMom
Not Getting A Tattoo
Don’t you want to be buried in a Jewish cemetery, for Christ’s sake?! (Mom, we don’t believe in Christ…) Tattoos and ham will never be Kosher.
Taking Home Leftovers (…and gloves and Costco detergent and Costco toilet paper and more food)
You never return to your apartment empty handed because your Jewish mom stocked up on supplies for you to bring back. Regardless if you asked for the stuff or not, you’re holding reused Ikea bags en route home.
Shpatziring Around Bloomingdales
There’s a sale. She’s got coupons. And as long as you don’t strangle her while she takes forever to circle the parking lot looking for the perfect spot, it’s a match made in heaven.
Putting Your Laundry In The Hamper
Just quit fighting it and surrender your stash of laundry to her. She wants to do it and she’ll keeping bothering you about it until she gets that shirt white again. The one thing she loves more than loud ringtones is the satisfaction of getting a stain out.
Eating Enough Food
Before a visit home, she’s stock piled on the things you love, like the bagel shop’s tuna and precut veggies with hummus. She’ll force you to sit and eat every bite while she munches on pretzels and fills you in on the town gossip. #Yentas
Washing Your Hands
It’s been the first thing she tells you to do when you walk through the door since the stroller years. You can get a snack after.
If We’re Okay
Our Jewish mothers demand we tell them everything that’s wrong this instant. They love real, live drama more than the stuff on primetime television.
What They Just Heard On The News
She keeps over-sharing her Fox Five “horror stories” of people getting pushed on the subway train tracks. The upside to enduring her painful recounts? You get to charge that 8 pm taxi ride to her credit card.
What Your Friends Are Doing (…and then what your friend’s parents are letting them do)
If the Heimowitzbergensteins are helping their kid go to
Aruba Ajewba then they’ll fork it over, too. See! Not all Jewish people are cheap!
Questions, Questions, Questions, Questions
Where were you? Who’d you go with? Is she back from school? How is she doing? What’s her mom’s name, remember we used to see her when we dropped you off at Hebrew school?
This. This moment right here is why you make us a little nuts. But we love you for being interested, even if you will forget and ask us again later.
Driving Too Fast
Is it too soon to make a “Fast And Furious” joke? Keep it at 25 mph when mom’s in the passenger seat and you’ll be gucci.
Calling Her Back (and calling your grandparents, calling your cousin on his birthday)
What did Jewish moms nag their kids about before telephones existed? Horse-and-buggying over more often? They’re planning a family dinner (Didn’t we already have one last week?) and you better attend.
Putting Our Wallets Away
Zip your coat. Put your wallet away. Quit it with your cellphone. Find their glasses. Help them open the wine. Offer food to the guests…oh sh*t, we’re turning into our mothers.
Not Putting Them In A Nursing Home
Do we really have to go there, Mom? Way to be morbid.
Picking Up Food
It always comes back to food.
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Laura Argintar is an experienced writer, comedienne and low-key science nerd. Listed among her achievements are performing stand-up throughout New York City, graduating from the University of Michigan with a Bachelor of Science and being the first woman in history to twerk at a 2 Chainz concert. LARG – as her friends call her – enjoys covering women’s topics, watching celebrities self-destruct and keeping her white silk blouses stain-free.
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