The 19 Things Jewish Mothers Will Never Stop Nagging Their Kids About ( Reblogged)

Standard
1935: Nazi definition of Jew, Mischling, and G...

1935: Nazi definition of Jew, Mischling, and German and legal consequences as per the Nuremberg Laws, simplified in a 1935 chart (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: The second generation Amazon Kindle, ...

English: The second generation Amazon Kindle, showing the book Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yellow badge Star of David called "Judens...

Yellow badge Star of David called “Judenstern”. Part of the exhibition in the Jewish Museum Westphalia, Dorsten, Germany. The wording is the German word for Jew (Jude), written in mock-Hebrew script. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Jews praying in the Synagogue on Yom Kippur. (...

Jews praying in the Synagogue on Yom Kippur. (1878 painting by Maurycy Gottlieb) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

עברית: טקס של משלחת צה"ל "עדים במדים...

עברית: טקס של משלחת צה”ל “עדים במדים” באושוויץ (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

The 19 Things Jewish Mothers Will Never Stop Nagging Their Kids About

The 19 Things Jewish Mothers Will Never Stop Nagging Their Kids About
LIFE •  • DEC 19, 3:22PM

There’s one thing that Jewish mothers love more than nice, Jewish boys: nagging their kids.

Sometimes it feels as if they have intrinsic radar on our whereabouts, reminding us to bring a jacket even before we’ve left the house or to negotiate the price from the fruit vendor as we’re about pay.

It’s no wonder Jonah Hill got fat all over again — his Jewish mother was clearly pestering him to eat more challah.

Regardless if you’re 13 or 30, you will never be free from your mother ambushing you over the telephone to layer up, take a snack and above all, BE SAFE.

Marrying A Jew

tumblr_m2isc1XUsV1rswwpao1_500

As a minority, it’s important that Jews continue to procreate and make more Jews because there’s safety in numbers. Think about how the Hispanic culture has grown and now we’ll all be speaking Spanish by 2020 – same idea.

According to unsubstantiated claims from your Jewish mom, as long as there are Jews on this earth, there will be an Israel. Not to mention the fact that after the diaspora and Holocaust, we really need to build our membership.


Our Health

bth_6a00d83451b8c369e2014e5f45d120970c--1

You made a fatal mistake by letting an innocuous cough escape your mouth on a recent call to your mother, and now she won’t stop insisting that you buy vitamin C and “get it checked out.” The more you maintain that you’re fine, the more she will encourage you to go to the doctor. Don’t make any sudden movements or she’ll personally escort you all the way to the waiting room and scold you more for not carrying tissues in your purse.


Covering Up

tumblr_mj2z5z7Mix1qgcra2o1_500

It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing a dress, a onesie or a (Hashem forbid!) shmata — if your pipik is hanging out, your Jewish mom will call you out on it. Frigid out? Button up the jacket — all the way. Not frigid out? Button up the jacket – all the way. No tits (or shoulders, for that matter) in temple, bubala. Save the cleave for the Israeli Defense Forces charity ball.


Teaching Them Technology

783849

Which is worse: instructing your mom on how to text message, or having her ask you a million follow-up questions about how to turn off caps lock afterwards? When she asks for a Kindle for her birthday, you get her books instead. #SorryMom


Not Getting A Tattoo

tumblr_mr4mahyMbQ1r8y8gso1_400

Don’t you want to be buried in a Jewish cemetery, for Christ’s sake?! (Mom, we don’t believe in Christ…) Tattoos and ham will never be Kosher.


Taking Home Leftovers (…and gloves and Costco detergent and Costco toilet paper and more food)

meatloaf

You never return to your apartment empty handed because your Jewish mom stocked up on supplies for you to bring back. Regardless if you asked for the stuff or not, you’re holding reused Ikea bags en route home.


Shpatziring Around Bloomingdales

tumblr_m7tys6yd5B1qejlczo1_500

There’s a sale. She’s got coupons. And as long as you don’t strangle her while she takes forever to circle the parking lot looking for the perfect spot, it’s a match made in heaven.


Putting Your Laundry In The Hamper

1236956567_parishiltonpouringdetergent

Just quit fighting it and surrender your stash of laundry to her. She wants to do it and she’ll keeping bothering you about it until she gets that shirt white again. The one thing she loves more than loud ringtones is the satisfaction of getting a stain out.


Eating Enough Food

tumblr_inline_mo8al0OwwR1qimd9m

Before a visit home, she’s stock piled on the things you love, like the bagel shop’s tuna and precut veggies with hummus. She’ll force you to sit and eat every bite while she munches on pretzels and fills you in on the town gossip. #Yentas


Washing Your Hands

tumblr_lm8504y4LI1qzjbj5o1_r1_500

It’s been the first thing she tells you to do when you walk through the door since the stroller years. You can get a snack after.


If We’re Okay

tumblr_mrfzw5p5sb1ql5yr7o1_400

Our Jewish mothers demand we tell them everything that’s wrong this instant. They love real, live drama more than the stuff on primetime television.


What They Just Heard On The News

tumblr_m8ic5xHj771r3gi71o1_500

She keeps over-sharing her Fox Five “horror stories” of people getting pushed on the subway train tracks. The upside to enduring her painful recounts? You get to charge that 8 pm taxi ride to her credit card.


What Your Friends Are Doing (…and then what your friend’s parents are letting them do)

785830

If the Heimowitzbergensteins are helping their kid go to Aruba Ajewba then they’ll fork it over, too. See! Not all Jewish people are cheap!


Questions, Questions, Questions, Questions

rebel-wilson-as-amy-in-pitch-perfect-yelling-enough

Where were you? Who’d you go with? Is she back from school? How is she doing? What’s her mom’s name, remember we used to see her when we dropped you off at Hebrew school?

This. This moment right here is why you make us a little nuts. But we love you for being interested, even if you will forget and ask us again later.


Driving Too Fast

slow-down

Is it too soon to make a “Fast And Furious” joke? Keep it at 25 mph when mom’s in the passenger seat and you’ll be gucci.


Calling Her Back (and calling your grandparents, calling your cousin on his birthday)

bQK3L

What did Jewish moms nag their kids about before telephones existed? Horse-and-buggying over more often? They’re planning a family dinner (Didn’t we already have one last week?) and you better attend.


Putting Our Wallets Away

tumblr_inline_mqulrq2yub1qz4rgp

Zip your coat. Put your wallet away. Quit it with your cellphone. Find their glasses. Help them open the wine. Offer food to the guests…oh sh*t, we’re turning into our mothers.


Not Putting Them In A Nursing Home

372

Do we really have to go there, Mom? Way to be morbid.


Picking Up Food

Kelly-Stop-Eating-Dance-Moms

It always comes back to food.

SHARETWEET

REACT

LIKE US ON FACEBOOK

LAURA ARGINTAR

Laura Argintar is an experienced writer, comedienne and low-key science nerd. Listed among her achievements are performing stand-up throughout New York City, graduating from the University of Michigan with a Bachelor of Science and being the first woman in history to twerk at a 2 Chainz concert. LARG – as her friends call her – enjoys covering women’s topics, watching celebrities self-destruct and keeping her white silk blouses stain-free.

Advertisements

One thought on “The 19 Things Jewish Mothers Will Never Stop Nagging Their Kids About ( Reblogged)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s